I am realized -- I am changed

If I could choose a name it would be Arachne. I would be a weaver and live on highwires. I would see through my feet as much as my eyes. You would never notice me, tucked away safely from the danger of your loathing, and instead of a baby I would have thousands of children. I would wear my bones proudly rather than hide them away under disfiguring flesh. I would be beautiful. The lightest thread would hold me up. I would leave no footprints, only works of art, to show where I'd been.

~Robyn Lefkowitz

I found this gorgeous photoshop painting while browsing the web at work last night and thought I'd share it. The snippet is my own. Click on the image to see the full picture.

There was no softness in this embrace. His arms around her body were firm and tense. She, the product of violence and rape from the start, was unable to be anything but brutal. He understood this. Her body was narrow and slim. Her curves were the subtle curves of the killing blade. Nails curled into flesh where she held him but he made no protest. His grip was bruising, crushing her against himself.

And yet within the violence there was tenderness. He was a solid, protective body. He was warm, and alive, and he would not release her. She was kept safe. She was so thin, so fragile, but real. She was the embodiment of truth for him. He could feel her bones under his fingers. Every part of her was open to him -- her pain, her torments which did not torment her. She had taken them in, accepted them; she used them like tools to shape herself. She was so very real.

That is not to say they trusted one another. There is no trust in anything feral. This was beyond trust. It required nothing be given. The tenderness was the recognition of another with the same lack. She was beyond the touch of humanity. He was unable to recognize it in himself. She was the purity of the madness in him he could not quite attain. In the contours of his soul he found the barest shreds of kindness and mercy -- her doing. He could never find them except by comparison to her. His dark mirror. How he envied her.

In the darkness, they parted. She would go, having seen into his soul and found the flaw there, shining like diamond. He would not stop her, having found that he could not drive that piece of himself away. They would come together again in some future moment, seeking the comfort only wild things can provide.

There were no words to mark the leaving.

~Robyn Lefkowitz

There's a hole in the world like a great black pit

My husband and I had an amusing conversation today. They're doing construction behind his work and I asked him about it.

Me: What are they building back there? They've been at it for a month with no change.
Him: They aren't actually building anything. They're replacing the soil.
Me: Why?
Him: Well, it's technically lethal. It has traces of arsenic and mercury in it.
Me: ... Sounds like a healthy working environment.
Him: Yeah... Here, let me get that bottle. Don't want it rolling under the brakes.

Makes me wonder why that was his worry about leaving a bottle in the car. =P

I have off work today and tomorrow and I'm not entirely sure what to do with myself. I don't really have much extra money right now. Bills are pretty tight and probably will be until next month. I am making headway on my credit card, though. The tax return should help when I get it. If I get it. =P I should know by Wednesday. We'll be doing our taxes then.

I think we'll be going out to a nice dinner on Thursday. I'm going to take part of tomorrow and pick out something really awesome looking. Maybe take a double dose of fiber Thursday night to be sure everything is gone. I'm definitely going to the gym tonight to get some cardio in and I'm hoping my period doesn't arrive until Friday. I'd really love to have a nice evening all around but mother nature does love to have her fun with us mortals. I wonder if she takes plea bargains.

I am empty. I am skin and bones. I'm a ribcage.

"I'm glad to see you're gaining weight again."

She didn't mean anything by it. My hands shook as I reached for the door to my room. My mother's voice careened around my mind confirming every insecurity.

Cow.

"She didn't mean anything by it." I slammed shut the door as if that would shut out the littany of self-loathing. I said the words aloud hoping that would banish her carelessly uttered demolition. "She didn't mean anything. You're too thin anyway." False convictions, I knew.

Who are you trying to fool? Look at yourself. You're disgusting. How could you let yourself get this way? You're...

I cranked the volume on the stereo; sound pounded my flesh. Collapsed on the bed I was content to let the music exorcise my demons. The beat pulsed, dragging me down to where my heartbeat moved blood. The bass hit my outsides, the blood hit the bass.

But it was never loud enough.

"I'm glad to see you're gaining weight again."

I threw my body to the side, twisting the covers around myself. I wanted them to be the magic shield they had been in childhood, to feel safe wrapped tightly in their folds.

I didn't.

My veins itched. I felt the tingle start in my arms and spread to encompass me. Under my skin a thousand spiders crawled and shuddered and stung.

Worthless. You mean nothing. Your own mother wants you dead. You're a burden. A hideous burden, at that. How much do you weigh? You don't deserve...

I reached for it, my cold avenger. Blindly I groped the bedstand, searching until I felt metal under my fingertips. I hesitated, stopped just shy of picking it up.

You're pathetic.

A fine shaking had begun in my limbs. I waited, letting the anticipation mount.

"I'm glad to see you're gaining weight..." it poked at me, prodded my imperfections.

And still the beat was pulsing against me, and the spiders crawled inside me, and the flesh itched and the veins ached and the blood moved...

And I bled. Looking down I was almost surprised to feel the droplets, warm and wet, staining my sheets and skin.

I've been here before and hate what I've found

I've come back here again with more bones and fewer inhibitions. It seems to be the case more often than not. I have not shed more than five pounds, but the fat is disappearing. As is always the case, I'm torn. I feel the highs of being thin, but also the loss of femininity. Maybe it's an unfounded fear but it weighs on me (haha) nonetheless. Somehow I'm in a good mood, though.

Somehow tonight I feel poised on the verge of a nameless void. Perhaps it's Imbolc. It is the midpoint of my year. I don't know. I don't know a lot of things these days. I'm going to go get my insomniac ass some rest. Good night.