Sunday, August 19, 2007

The silhouette of a doe-eyed girl who at one point had a name

That's sort of what I feel like sometimes. Just a silhouette of who I was/am. It seems like there are precious few people with whom I can be myself. (Curse you, english grammar, for making sentence structure ridiculous.) Then again I don't honestly believe there's anyone with whom I'm completely myself. That's as it should be, though. There are always aspects of our personalities that are inappropriate or irrelevant around certain people or in certain situations. I'm not going to talk about my sex life with my coworkers, or tell a cashier that I didn't sleep well. And likewise I'm not going to be serious with my husband or silly with my boss. There are always aspects of ourselves which are ruled out based on varying factors, but the way I feel goes above and beyond that in many ways.

It seems like I'm in flux as a person and I don't know what I'm like beyond this basic outline. I know I'm growing and I accept that as a person in flux there are bound to be areas where I'm still not sure what I look like, metaphorically speaking. It just feels as if there are more unknowns than knowns and I'm not sure where to take that within myself.

I don't know what I'm doing with myself, essentially. Particularly from an anorexic stand point. I'm no longer obsessed with losing weight, but on the other hand that could be because I've been consistently losing fat for a while now. Not anything major but just slimming down gradually. I've also had no trouble with resisting binges and when I do eat slightly more than I'd like, I don't freak out over it because I know in the next few days it'll come off as if it had never been there. I'm 5'7", 130 lbs., and for the first time in a long time, I honestly feel like I look good, but I still feel anorexic. I still want to be thinner than I am, and I feel like if this trend I have going were to end and I were to start gaining again, I would be back to heavy restriction and guilt. ::sigh:: I'm still mostly zen but I'm being progressively dragged back into human drama by stress from work, introspection, etc. I don't really know what to make of it, honestly. I suppose only time will tell.

I can't think of a way to transition out, so we'll go with this one:

The End